Re: The kids are ruining our marriage

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Re: The kids are ruining our marriage

Postby administrator » Thu Dec 07, 2000 2:53 pm

We have the same problem, except that it is my husband who thinks the kids are the best and ignoring me completely . Where can I go for help with this?
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Re: The kids are ruining our marriage

Postby administrator » Thu Dec 07, 2000 2:53 pm

Dear Dorothy
Our pregnancy and relationship therapist, Lesley Miles, advises; It is painful to feel marginalised and displaced in a marriage, whether you are the male or female partner. It can make the marginalised person feel very angry. But, in all of these three queries it sounds as though communication has broken down between you and your spouse. Have you told your partner about your thoughts and feelings? How often do the two of you sit down and talk about your relationship, or make time to be together?

However, a baby can be hugely stressful to a marriage. Both partners have to adjust to a radically new social identity and lifestyle. Suddenly (and for a long time after the baby is born) it is hard to find time to talk through problems or just to enjoy being together, and easy to find that the two of you are going along side by side just getting through the day. Once you start drifting apart, each partner will find different strategies for coping with this. A woman can become preoccupied with her child/children, and allow her relationship with her husband/partner to suffer, the man feeling left out and superfluous. For a man, it is often easy to become preoccupied with work, and distance himself from the home scenario of household and children, and his wife. If the mother is at home and the father working, their life experienes and preoccupations tend to differ much more that when both were working, so it is often hard to identify and understand the partner’s daily experiences. Of course, how each partner deals with the birth and bringing up of a child will influence whether or not you do drift apart, and what the mechanics of this is.

The key to all of this is communication: trusting that your partner married you because they wanted to, and that they can be trusted with your feelings now that your marriage is one with children. If your marriage is fundamentally sound, then you should be able to sort out these problems with your partner with some goodwill on both sides. If there are underlying problems with the marriage, the birth of a child can either hide (for a while) or exacerbate these. You may need help from a professional counsellor/therapist to help you to talk through issues. You do not tell us where you reside, so referrals are difficult. If you supply us with these details, we could suggest referrals.
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